ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
