Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
