I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
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You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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