we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
