I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
