my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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