she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
