I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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