No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
