What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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