3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
