Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
