Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
