well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
