All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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