what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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