Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(630): View more from Illinois

but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.

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(407): View more from Florida

I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(315): View more from New York

Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years

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(859): View more from Kentucky

and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.

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(407): View more from Florida

Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap

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