I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
