dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
