You were right. It hurts to walk today.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
