Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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