How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
