I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
