Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We need a shit load of segways right now
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
