why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
