there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
