I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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