I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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