Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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