Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
please come you make the beer taste better
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He did a backflip because drugs
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
