he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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