bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have aggressive nipples.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
