She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
