even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
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god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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