I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...