the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.