He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
