So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
