As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
