Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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