That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
