I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
