just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
