literally had 100 drinks last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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