I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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