I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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