my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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