Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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