can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
false alarm, still single
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
