I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
