im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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