How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
