sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
